2005年07月04日 アエラ

妻だけ拒否、「成田ED」夫たち 結婚した途端のセックスレス

 いつのまにかセックスレスになる。きっかけは結婚。
 妻のことは愛しているのに、どうしても妻とだけはできない。
 やらずにすむのならと願う夫たち。
 (編集部・夫婦問題取材班 イラスト・村林タカノブ)
 
 月曜日の朝を何事もなく迎えると、安堵感と申し訳ない気持ちが混じった複雑な気分になる。
 会社員のAさん(29)はもう1年近く、繰り返しそんな思いを抱いてきた。妻に対して……。
 セックスレスになったのは結婚して1年がたったころ。当初は、この状態がセックスレスだということすら気づいていなかった。
 「疲れていたせいか、何となく断っていたんです。冬だったので、服を脱ぐのも寒かったし。別にしたいとか、したくないとか考えていたわけでなく、本当に何となくしなくなりました」
 一緒にベッドに入ると、妻の手が自分のほうに伸びてくる。おそらく誘っているのだろうけど、「眠い」といって妻に背を向けるように寝返りをうつ。実際、疲れていたし、眠くもあった。でも少し前なら断らなかったな……そんなことを繰り返すうちに、3カ月くらい経ってしまった。
 「私たちってセックスレスなんじゃない?」
 ある晩、妻に指摘された。Aさんは振り返る。
 「ショックでした。薄々は感じていましたが、実際言葉にされるとまさか自分が、と認めたくなかった。『セックスレス』と表現されて、さらにできなくなってしまいました」
 それから冒頭のような日々が始まった。平日はお互いに仕事が遅いから、暗黙の了解でセックスをする雰囲気にはならない。問題は週末。金曜や土曜の夜になると、
 「今夜こそ」
 という雰囲気になってしまう。
 「妻はしたいんだろうなあ、と思う。悪いなと思うのですが、どうしてもする気になれない。だから妻がさきに寝息を立ててくれたら、ほっとします」
 わざわざテレビ番組に集中しているふりをして、妻が寝たのを見計らって寝室に行くようなこともした。ゴミ箱に生理用品が捨ててあるのを発見すると、
 「ああ、今週はプレッシャーがない」
 と気楽になった。
 「そんなふうに思ってしまうこと自体が申し訳なくて。キスとかはできるし、寝るときに手をつないだり、くっついたりしていると安心もできます。でもセックスしないとと思うと、どうしても気が滅入ってしまうんです」
 
 ○9割が男性側の拒否
 結婚して1年といえばまだ新婚ムード。そんな時期に、決して仲が悪いわけではないのに、セックスができなくなってしまう。結婚前は普通にしていたのに、結婚をきっかけに次第に回数が減り、セックスレスに至る。新婚旅行から帰った途端に離婚する「成田離婚」ならぬ、妻には勃起しない「成田ED」だ。Aさんに限ったことではなく、こうした新婚夫婦は増加傾向にある。
 『幸せのSEX』(小学館)などの著書がある日本家族計画協会クリニックの北村邦夫所長はこう話す。
 「結婚したからセックスをするという従来の図式が崩れているのを感じます。新婚夫婦のセックスレス傾向が強くなっています。昔は新婚旅行に出かけるカップルに『やりまくって来いよ』なんて声をかけていたのに、最近は『体を休めに行ってきます』という新郎がいるくらいですからね」
 北村所長らが昨年10、11月に行った調査では、25~29歳の既婚者の29・7%がセックスレスという結果が出た。結婚して何年目かというデータはとっていないが、30~34歳で29・6%、40~44歳も29・6%。一般的には結婚年数が経つほど回数は減る。それを差し引くと、20代と40代の数字がほぼ同じことは、若い夫婦のほうがセックスレス傾向が強いということになる。
 インターネット上でセックスレスのカウンセリングをしている吉田桜子さんの元に寄せられる相談も、7割近くが結婚して2、3年以内のケースだ。
 「相談のほとんどは女性が拒否されて悩んでいる、というものです。9割以上が男性側に原因があり、セックスするのを面倒に感じている男性が多いようです。それも結婚した途端、何のきっかけもなくセックスレスが始まるケースが多いですね」
 この男性側が拒否というのは「成田ED」の大きな特徴だ。こうした夫婦は恋愛結婚で、結婚前は普通にしていたセックスが、結婚した途端回数が減り始め、気づいたらセックスレスになっているパターンがほとんどだ。
 
 ○赤い下着の妻にひく
 「結婚前は、デートで会えばしてたんですけど、新婚旅行で既に減り始めてました。6泊8日でモルディブに行ったのですが、2回しただけ。帰国後最初のうちは1カ月に1回ペース。次第になくなって、いまは1年くらいセックスしていません」
 というのは金融機関に勤めるBさん(27)。きっかけがあったわけではない。交際中と違い、いつでも隣に寝ていると思うと、
 「あえて今晩セックスをしなくてもいいじゃないか」
 と思えてきた。その積み重ねで次第に先細り、ゼロになった。
 セックスができないわけではない。休日、妻が買い物に行っているすきに、机の引き出しに隠してあるアダルトDVDを取り出し、マスターベーションをする。男同士で飲んでいて盛り上がれば、風俗店に繰り出すこともある。でも妻がせまってきても、「その気になれない」の一言。
 妻が気に病んでいることはわかる。誰かに相談している節もあり、そのアドバイスのせいか、時には派手な下着をつけて寝室に来ることもある。しかし、
 「見たことない赤い下着をつけていたのですが、申し訳ないが、かえってひきました。努力は認めますが、見当違いなんです。そんな問題じゃない。そんなことをされたらかえって焦ってしまって、絶対に前進できなくなります」
 
 ○ドラマ始まると風呂
 セックスレス男性にとっては、テレビや映画のエッチシーンを一緒に見ることもプレッシャーだ。なかでも今回取材した男性陣から一様に非難の声があがった作品がある。会社員のCさん(29)はいう。
 「『セックス・アンド・ザ・シティ』は天敵です。妻が毎週見ているんですが、あれはいけない」
 アメリカのテレビドラマで、30、40代の独身女性が主人公の恋愛コメディ。セックスをネタにしたコラムを書くキャリー、弁護士のミランダ、PR会社重役のサマンサ、アートギャラリー勤務のシャーロット。4人が、ニューヨークを舞台に、いろいろな男性たちと恋愛する。大胆なセックス描写や女性の本音がこれでもかと出てくる。
 「女性の性欲があまりにストレートに出ていて嫌になるし、そんな番組を喜んで見ている妻の姿に脅威を感じてしまう。うちの妻もこんなことを考えているかと思うと、全く期待に応えられていない自分が情けないし、申し訳ないしで、見ていられない」
 Cさんのセックスレス歴は1年半。この番組が始まるとお風呂に入ることにしている。
 
 ○なぜやらなければ……
 日本赤十字社医療センターで性相談を担当する臨床心理士、金子和子さんも新婚夫婦のセックスレス増加を憂う。これまでは勃起障害でできないという相談が多かったのが、「やればできるけど、何でやらないといけないのか」といういわゆるセックスレス相談が、02年に相談件数で逆転したという。
 「結婚前はうまくいっていたのに、結婚前後でセックスがなくなることが多い。恋愛中は男性が主導権を握ってデートなどをしていたのが、結婚式や新居などを決める際には女性にリーダーシップをとられ、男性が自信を失うのが原因ではないかと考えています」
 と金子さんは分析する。さらに、男女のセックス観の違いも問題を深刻化させていると指摘。
 「女性は性交渉がないと、『愛されていない』『女性と思われていない』と感じます。男性は『セックスはしていないけど妻として大切に思っている』『セックスってそんな大事なこと?』という認識なのです。すれ違いが続けば、離婚になりかねない事例もあります」
 冒頭のAさんも、ドラマ「セックス・アンド・ザ・シティ」以外は妻と一緒。週末には美術展やドライブに出かけ、平日でもスケジュールを合わせ夜景の見えるレストランで外食をする。
 「妻のことは愛しているし、大切にしている。セックスしなくても、それで十分じゃないですか」
 セックスレス問題の第一人者で、『セックスレスの精神医学』(ちくま新書)などの著書がある精神科医、阿部輝夫氏はこうみる。
 「相談にくる新婚さんたちは、コピーを見ているように、同じパターンでセックスレスになっていきます。明らかに男性の性欲低下障害がみられます」
 阿部氏によると、成田EDは次のように進行する。
 (1)ほとんどが恋愛結婚。結婚前は正常にセックスをしている。(2)結婚して共同生活を始めると、夫が淡泊になり段々と手を出さなくなる。(3)仲はよいので一緒に買い物や旅行には行く。しかし旅行先でもセックスはしない。(4)そのことを妻が指摘すると雰囲気が悪くなる。(5)雰囲気が悪くなるのが嫌で妻もセックスの話題に触れなくなる。(6)夫はマスターベーションをしているし、ほかの女性とならできると思っているから病気とは考えない。(7)妻が我慢できなくなり、相談にくる。
 「診断すると確かに勃起障害ではない。大きな夫婦ゲンカをしたとか、はっきりとした原因もない。忙しいといっても、体力的にセックスができないところまで追い込まれている例はまれ。性欲低下の対象は妻に限っており、その原因が分からないから治療は本当に難しい。予防もできない。やっかいな問題ですね」
 
 ○交際時のホテルや写真
 Cさんも勇気を出してカウンセリングを受けた経験があるが、
 「自分でも原因が分からないから、どうしようもない。カウンセラーは『奥さんと話し合ってみてください』とか『お互いにマッサージをして体に触れ合ってみてください』とかアドバイスしてくれますが、話し合いできないから相談しているのだし、マッサージしても疲れがとれるだけ。セックスまでには発展しませんでした。あとは子作りの工程のひとつと割り切り、なんとかやってみるくらいしか手がないと思っています」
 と打ち明ける。
 どうしてもいまの状況を改善したい、という人には、阿部氏は次のようなステップを勧めている。
 (1)妻のことを性的な目で見るという宿題を課す。(2)マスターベーションの時に妻を想像するようにする。難しければ交際を始めたころの写真を使う。(3)バイアグラを使ってセックスしてみる。(4)それでも気分が乗らなくてできなければ、抗うつ剤を使う。(5)自宅で無理なら、交際時に使っていたラブホテルに行ってみる。(6)なんとか2、3回セックスに持ち込めれば治る兆しといえる。
 阿部氏はこう話す。
 「セックスレスと気づいても、自分たちだけではどうしようもないと思います。決して自然に治るものでもありません。治らなくても、お互いマスターベーションができるから、セックスがない夫婦でいいという結論を出すカップルもいます。焦らず、まず夫婦のあり方を考えてみることから始めてみてはどうでしょうか」

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